Jin vs the Joint
by kandisi
Summary: Shounen-ai. Jin Kazama’s peer-pressed into drinking alcohol and into smoking a marijuana joint, and boy does it have some serious consequences...before Jin knows it, he’s in a vehicle with someone who’s DUI, on reality TV with Kazuya, and in the hospital.
1. New Year's with Hwoarang and Steve

**Title: **Jin vs. the Joint  
**Author: **Sapphire17  
**Pairings: **Jin x Hwoarang, Bryan x Lei, Kazuya x Lee, Paul x Marshall  
**Warnings: **Drug & alcohol use, violence, language, insanity, bashing on pretty much every character, especially Jin...  
**Summery: **Jin Kazama's peer-pressed into drinking alcohol and into smoking a marijuana joint, and boy does it have some serious consequences... Before Jin knows it, he's in a vehicle with someone who's DUI, on reality T.V. with Kazuya, and in the hospital. Has Jin learned his lesson?  
**Status:** Complete, thankfully...

**A/N:** ...This is without a doubt THE most offensive crack I have EVER written in ANY fandom... But, I wanted to write something ridiculous for this previous New Year's that I would actually have the time to finish. For the past three New Year's, I spent the New Year's Eve, surprise surpise, under the influence. But, considering all of the crap I've seen over the years, I decided to write something featuring drugs and alcohol on New Year's that made it seem like more of a bad idea than a good one.

I have read a lot of fics out there, including for Tekken, that feature one or more characters having a substance abuse problem. Stereotypically in the fics out there, Hwoarang's often the 'pothead', Lee the 'smokaholic cokehead,' while Marshall, Lei, Paul, Craig, King, and Armor King are commonly the 'alcoholics'. I have also seen a surprising amount of fics where Jin's the 'schmackhead' aka 'heroin addict', or where Bryan Fury's death-by-drug-dealing lands him dealing drugs once again in fics, or doing them himself. So, I pretty much took the stereotypes, and turned them into something, well... inappropriate, more than likely, since I myself have always scolded crackfics that made fun of the characters for doing drugs/drinking; such as in a crackfic where pothead Hwoarang blew up a spacecraft while he was high on marijuana, or in a fic I read where Lei made a fool of himself at some sort of party Kazuya was having because he couldn't stop drinking liquor. Or, the numerous amount of crackfics that trash Lee for smoking, such as a crackfic I read where Lee was trying to smoke ten cigarettes all at once while the other fighters kept cussing at him for the fact that they couldn't breathe.

Ultimately, I admit I really do enjoy angsty fics that deal with substance abuse, just not crackfics written by bashers are doing so just to mock the characters they dislike. I see it as not only bashing the characters, but far more inappropriately, the real-life people who have or have had substance abuse problems themselves or a family member who has/has had one. Such as, I am a smoker and I am gay, so when I read a Lee-bashing crackfic that bashes Lee for 'being gay' and for 'smoking', I feel slightly insulted as well. ;; Obviously, the thing to do is to NOT read the fic, only, a lot of bashing fics do not give warnings of which character/s they are bashing in the fic, much less the fact that they are bashing a character for being a 'drunk' or a 'pothead' in their eyes.

With all of that said, I have taken the opportunity to once again strike-back on how insanely nuts some of the stuff people have done to bash the characters is, by attempting to make it as TERRIBLE as POSSIBLE... Thus, this fic is probably very, VERY offensive to anyone who is even REMOTELY a fan of ANY character featured in this horrid crack PERIOD. I have also realized that Jin Kazama is probably portrayed much worse and more OOC in crackfics after writing this than I earlier had thought... He is probably the character portrayed the worst in this, followed by Lei, and then either Kazuya, Lee, or Steve. Weren't it for the fact that most of this fic is nothing more than a terrible NIGHTMARE of Jin's, I would NOT have been able to write ANY of this.

**Jin vs. the Joint**

**Chapter 1, New Year's with Hwoarang and Steve**

A loud scream was heard.

Jin Kazama had nearly flown right out of his bed.

"What the hell?" none other than Hwoarang questioned, annoyed at the fact that yet another one of Jin's nightmares had awakened him. He rubbed his eyes, and sat up, eyeing Jin through the darkness.

"I..." Jin murmured, feeling sick and hungover, "I just had THE worst nightmare of my entire life..."

Hwoarang exhaled a small sigh. "You say that every time you have a nightmare."

"But this one was worse, even worse than the ones about the way my mother died," Jin stated, his eyes still widened. Eventually, he turned his head in order to face his lover. "...Hwoarang, you are never, and I mean NEVER smoking marijuana again, nor drinking!" he snapped out. "In fact, I am going to get out of this bed and dispose of every ounce of alcohol in this compound right now, and if I EVER catch you smoking marijuana or drinking again OR doing ANY other _disgusting_ drugs, I will KICK YOUR ASS!"

Hwoarang blinked. "Uh... why...?"

And when Hwoarang said this, Jin had a flashback of the events from the night before, as well as a flashback of the horrible nightmare he had experienced...

_12 hours earlier..._

"I was gonna clean my room, but then I got high... I was gonna get up and find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed-up, and I know why... because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."

"I was gonna go to class, but then I got high... I could've cheated and I could've passed, but then I got high... I'm takin' it next semester, and I know why... Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."

"I was gonna go to work, but then I got high... I just got a new promotion, but then I got high... Now I'm sellin' dope, and I know why..."

"Why, man?"

"Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."

Hwoarang, Steve Fox, and Jin Kazama all began laughing.

"Guys, what in the hell is up with music these days?" Jin inquired following another insane fit of laughter, "It's like they encourage us to get, what is it again? Oh yeah, 'stoned'."

"Where the hell have you been living, under a rock?" Hwoarang asked.

"In the forest. And in my own head. Yeah."

"Dude," began Hwoarang, who was comfortably seated between Jin and Steve on a navy blue couch, "Do you have any idea how many fuckin' songs are about drugs and drinking?"

Jin shrugged as Hwoarang passed him the joint they were sharing to him. Jin inhaled another large drag, before reflexively coughing. Then, he laughed again. "Uh, I don't know. Never heard anything about drugs on the 'Pure Moods' cds."

Hwoarang exploded with laughter. "Yeah, that's because the people who wrote that crap were the ones who were high."

"I still can't believe you actually talked Jin into trying marijuana," Steve spoke up as the joint was once again passed to him, "I mean, crikey, he doesn't strike me as someone who'd be 'down'."

"I hate it when you try to be cool, Fox," Hwoarang stated, shaking his head, "You're more white and nerdy than the song by Weird Al."

"Well you talked me into smoking this freaking, I mean, fucking joint with you lads, er, I mean 'dudes'," Steve retorted.

"That was gay," Hwoarang insisted, "You know what that means. You have to take another shot."

"Damn, you're right," Steve replied, chuckling with anticipation as he poured himself another shot of imported vodka. Then, he quickly downed it in one gulp, before chasing it with beer.

"I wanna make-out with you," Jin bluntly stated while looking at the Korean next to him, just trying to act 'gay' so he could take another shot.

"Nah, that wasn't gay," Hwoarang replied, taking another puff from the joint he held, "That was just the kind of thing people say to each other when they're loaded."

Jin thought momentarily. "Umm... uh... well..."

"Bloody hell. Just try to act all kewl, love. I mean, 'brotha'," Steve slurred, "Now pass me that fag so I can take another hit at it."

"Gay again, Fox," Hwoarang pointed-out, gesturing to the bottle of liquor.

"I know..." Steve remarked, chuckling still more as he poured himself another shot.

"Damnit, how do you manage to say such gay things, Steve?" Jin questioned with jealously before cursing under his breath. "But... but who were you calling a 'fag'...?"

"In Britain, a fag is a cigarette," Steve informed before downing another shot of liquor. "That's why in the country I am from, you can insult gay people and pretend you're talking about insulting fags. I mean, err, ciggies!"

Hwoarang laughed. "Something about that was really gay, Fox. You're going to have to take another shot for that."

"Okay!"

Jin scowled, trying to think of something gay to say. Then, he thought of something. "Lee Chaolan!"

Hwoarang blinked. "Shot granted, as that was gay."

Steve applauded Jin as he handed him the bottle of vodka, before Jin poured himself a shot to the point that the small, crystal glass ran over. Then, Jin once again looked back to Hwoarang.

"Lei Wulong!"

"Take another shot," Hwoarang ordered.

And so, Jin had another.

"You!" Steve exclaimed, looking at Hwoarang.

Hwoarang sighed, handing the bottle of liquor to the British boxer.

"Go Foxxy, it's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!" Steve happily sang.

"You," Hwoarang then stated, looking at Steve. "That was _really_ gay."

"Damnit," Steve muttered after taking his shot, handing the bottle back to Hwoarang.

After Hwoarang had taken his shot, he looked back at Steve, then to Jin, before facing forwards. "Fuck, every guy in the tournaments are gay or at _least_ bi, and with each other."

"Such as..." Steve urged. "Besides you and Jin, I mean."

"Like... Kazuya and Lee," Hwoarang insisted.

"Eww, but that's creepy!" Jin declared, appearing shocked. "Like almost incest!"

"That was gay, Kazama," Hwoarang replied, passing the bottle to Jin who passed the joint he was smoking back to Hwoarang.

"And..." Steve urged on with amusement.

"Bryan and Wulong," Hwoarang suggested. "Like, cops fucking criminals. Or, in their case, criminal fucking the cop. Wulong couldn't fuck his way outta a paper bag."

Steve laughed out loud. "Blimie, Lei really couldn't fuck his way outta a paper bag."

"Ugh!" Jin grimaced, happy he had just taken another shot, "That's disgusting! Lei wouldn't degrade himself like that!"

"Uh, yeah, but Bryan Fury would degrade Wulong," Hwoarang said while passing the roach aka 'nearly finished joint' to Steve.

"Anyone else?" Steve asked, inhaling another intake of dro.

"Yeah, of course," Hwoarang answered while in the process of rolling another joint, "Like... Paul and Marshall, for example. They're so close that they should just get married. Or Paul and Marshall's son, Forest. Then, we have other possibilities such as Craig and King, Armor King and King, me and Baek, me and you, Kazama and you, me and Lee, me and Wulong, you and Wulong, everyone with Wulong, everyone with Lee, everyone with everyone, even Kazama and Kazuya."

"...That was the most disturbing thing I have ever heard!" Jin declared, slamming the bottle of alcohol he was holding down to the coffee table before him. "Especially the part about me fucking my own father, and the part about Lei being a whore!"

"You don't care if Lee's a whore?" Hwoarang inquired with slight suspicion.

"No, because I don't give a damn about Lee!" Jin slurred, "Lei was the one who comforted me at my mother's funeral, not that skanky bitch!"

"That was gay," Hwoarang stated, "Like, _really_ gay. I just had an image of you and Wulong running through a flower field, dude. And an image of Lee as a prostitute."

"...Yeah," Jin responded, pouring himself yet another shot of alcohol.

"I wonder if anyone else in the tournament has ever done drugs..." Steve muttered, his British accent appearing stronger than it normally was.

"Are you kiddin' me?" Hwoarang inquired while laughing, lighting another joint, "Lee Chaolan is a total cokehead who smokes constantly while drinking fancy wine, Lei Wulong's a lush who's probably popping Watsons by the dozen, Bryan Fury's probably loaded with all kinds of drugs that he deals regularly, Kazuya's such a pimp that he's probably pimpin' them after bitch-slapping Lee for being a cokehead, Paul's a drunk who probably lives in bars, Law, err, Marshall Law was a drunk, King's a drunk, and Master Baek was a drug-addict though if either of you say anything bad about my mentor I will kick your fucking asses!" Hwoarang announced in an aggressive manner.

Silence.

"...What's a 'Watson'?" Steve eventually asked.

"That was gay," Hwoarang initially remarked, passing the liquor bottle back to Steve. "But, yeah, 'Watsons' mean 'Vicodin'."

"Oh..." Steve muttered, shrugging-off the fact that he didn't know what Vicodin was. "I was thinking you meant Lei liked jerking-off a guy named Watson, like, from Sherlock Holmes. Lei is a detective, so like, maybe he would like Sherlock Holmes!"

"...Alright, that's going to cost you two shots," Hwoarang demanded with a hand gesture, "That was—"

"Gay, I know," Steve said in response, preparing to take the two hard shots. Steve succeeded in taking the first one, but just before the second one, he kind of... passed-out...

"Is he sleeping?" Jin inquired with a sense of perplexity.

"Nah, he's wasted," Hwoarang replied, taking another inhale of smoke from the joint he held in his right-hand.

"Wasted?" Jin inquired, seemingly confused, "You mean he's a piece of trash?"

"Well, that too, but nah, he's just passed-out from having had one shot too many," Hwoarang said with a chortle, handing the lit joint to Jin, "Poor 'bloke'. Honestly, Steve just has no balls sometimes. Maybe he should get neutered."

Jin contemplated. "That was gay."

"...You're right... I said 'neutered'..." Hwoarang eventually replied, grasping onto the near-empty bottle of liquor so he could pour himself another shot.

"Ugh, I feel like I'm going to vomit..." Jin muttered while Hwoarang took another shot of vodka, "What do I do?"

"You take another shot, of course, because that was gay," Hwoarang deduced as Jin passed him the joint.

"I suppose..." answered Jin, who prepared to take another shot. Truth be told, however, Jin was so drunk and so high that he didn't even know what the hell was going on anymore. "You know, I feel kind of guilty for drinking and for smoking a joint, Hwoarang..."

Record scratch.

"Never mind," Jin admitted, "I really don't give a flying fuck at the moment. Now, can we make-out now, bitch?" he slurred.

"Alright," Hwoarang replied, leaning forwards. Arms wrapped around each other as Jin and Hwoarang kissed rather sloppily. They were sure to have drunken/stoned sex later on in the night... If not now...

"I want to fuck you right here, right now," Jin whispered against Hwoarang's lips.

"But what about Fox?" Hwoarang inquired, gesturing to Steve's motionless form.

Jin blinked, and looked at Steve's body. It was kind of a nice body. "We could both rape him right now?"

Then, Hwoarang blinked once again. "Jin, you are _trashed_. We can drunkenly fuck, but let's go upstairs."

"What the drunkenly fuck ever," Jin drunkenly replied, standing up from the couch. Then he started moving like Gumby.

"Easy there," Hwoarang stated, the joint still in his mouth as he caught Jin before the Japanese could hit the floor, "I don't want you to pass out on me before we have the chance to fuck each other."

"I can't forget this," Jin declared, leaning forwards so that he could grab a hold of the unopened bottle of tequila, "Hey, do mustards have shells? I just thought so after the apple man shoed the jellyfish."

"Uh oh, you don't have long. We must hurry..." replied Hwoarang, who promptly began dragging Jin towards the staircase.

Jin smiled happily. "I'm going to murder you!"

Hwoarang sighed, figuring Jin was simply drunk off his ass. "Why?"

"Because I am going to bring-on the apocalypse!"

"Dude, you are going to be so hungover in the morning."


	2. The 411 with Bryan and Lei

**Jin vs. the Joint**

**Chapter 2, The 411 with Bryan and Lei**

Jin really felt bad for having smoked a joint, so he had decided to pay a visit an old friend of his... Even if the said friend was kind of, well... investigating him.

Oh well for now... Jin just needed some advice. He had never done drugs before until the night before, and he... honestly didn't know how to react should the opportunity to get wasted like that come up again.

And of course, it would eventually.

Jin steadily approached the building before him that was meant to be his friend's hotel, only... it resembled more of a... castle or something... And to boot, there was only one door.

"What the...?" Jin whispered to himself, walking his way towards the door nonetheless.

Jin knocked on the front door with a continued sense of bewilderment.

After Jin continued knocking a few more times all in a row, the door was finally answered.

"Well hi there, Jin!" greeted Lei Wulong.

Jin appeared... confused.

"Uh... Lei? Why are you... wearing nothing but an apron...?"

"Because there are chores to be done, of course!" Lei exclaimed with an unnecessary amount of loudness, "Now, come in my ass! I mean, in my house!"

"Uh I... think I-I have somewhere to be, actually..." Jin lied while stammering. Lei was acting strange...

"Nonsense! Now, get your Japanass in here, lieutenant," chuckled Lei, who reached forwards before jerking the bemused man through the doorway by his red tie.

Jin smacked Lei's hand away. "Lei, what in the HELL has gotten into you?"

"A lot of pills and boozes," sighed a foreign voice. "And me, of course."

Kazama blinked, looking back at the hallway where a familiar fighter was standing. "Oh my God..."

"Yes, he's God, alright," Lei laughed, "God in bed, that is."

"True," none other than Bryan Fury stated with a smirk. Bryan then snapped the long whip he was holding against the floor. "What the hell do you want?"

"I..." Jin began, looking shocked and terrified at the same time. "I... just wanted to talk to Lei about something..."

"Let's go into the kitchen, Jin!" Lei suggested, grasping onto Jin's right-hand before dragging the taller man across the room. When they reached the kitchen, Lei threw Jin down into a chair. Afterwards, Lei sat down across from Jin, and instantly grabbed-onto an unopened bottle of whiskey.

"Isn't it a little early to be drinking?" Jin inquired, eying Lei with curiosity still more.

"It's never a little early to get a little buzzed, Jin," Lei declared, before a few bumble bees flew through the kitchen window and began buzzing around Lei's head.

"What.. the.. hell...?" Jin whispered.

"It's just my buzz, Jin," Lei informed, struggling with the cap on the bottle of liquor he was trying to open. "Don't worry, my buzz won't become violent unless you make me mad. Then my buzz will attack without hesitation. Now, what did you want to discuss? The fact that you don't want me to arrest you?"

"I've... done something bad, Lei..." Jin confessed, sighing as he did so.

"Yes, murdering people and blowing up churches while trying to end the world isn't exactly good..." Lei replied, though he wasn't paying the attention to Jin he should have been paying him. Damn that bottle cap!

"No, not that..." Jin replied, hesitating for a brief moment. "Last night... I... I drank alcohol, and smoked a joint..."

'Dun dun dun...'

"What was that?" Jin whispered.

Lei froze. "You WHAT?! What has Hwoarang talked you into?!"

"He talked me into drinking, and into smoking some weed..." Jin confessed, "I was so drunk and so high last night... Oh hell..."

"Hmm, well, drinking alcohol isn't bad as long as you're like me, and not an alcoholic," Lei assured with a smile. Then, he smashed the narrow tip of the liquor bottle off by banging it against the table. Afterwards, Lei abruptly began chugging.

Jin looked rather uneasy. "Lei, I... think you may have a... problem..."

Lei grunted, slamming the bottle's base against the kitchen table. "I do not! I'm only on my third liver right now, so shut the fuck up bitch I'm NOT an alcoholic who the hell do you think you are?!"

Jin then observed as a few of the bumble bees buzzing around Wulong's head died, before several more came over and stung him.

"Ouch! What the HELL?!"

"You're killing my buzz, Jin!" Lei whined, taking another large drink of whiskey. "And at least I'm not a pothead like hothead!"

Jin looked annoyed. "You know, you're not making one dangerous substance look better by making another look worse."

"Whatever. The point is that you shouldn't have smoked a joint, Jin," Lei slurred, "Marijuana is a class B narcotic, and it's illegal. You can get over a year in jail for having it these days. Plus, you don't need to do more illegal things than you already have. Besides, what chief executive officer is a pothead?" after saying this, a bottle of prescription opiates magically appeared in front of Lei.

Jin's eyes widened. How did THAT happen...?

"What's that and where did it come from...?"

"It's Vicodin, and it came from a pharmacy," Lei made noticed before he proceeded to pop a few of the white pills.

"Um... isn't that... technically taking drugs?" Jin inquired with confusion, beginning to eat a few of the yellow candies that were located in a small tray at the circular table's center.

After Lei had washed the powerful and highly addictive opiates down with liquor as if he were Dr. Gregory House, Lei shrugged. "Uh oh, you're eating Bryan's candy... Oh well! Well, yes, opiates are drugs, Jin. But, prescription opiates are _legal_ to take so long as your name's on the bottle."

"Are they dangerous?"

"Well DUH," Lei laughed as the initial high began to kick-in, "Vicodin, like other opiates such as Morphine, Demerol, and Heroin, can be deadly. If you become an addict, the withdrawals can actually cause fatality as you suffer the worst pain of your entire life, the same way it is with alcohol withdrawal. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you, too. It's called the DT's or delirium tremens, which is the name of seizures caused by alcohol withdrawal. Not that I've... had one myself, or anything..."

Jin slowly began to become more and more horrified. "Oh my God, Lei, you're going to die! You're going to die before I have the chance to murder you!"

"No I'm not," Lei angrily retorted, "I'll be alive when you murder me! I'm not an addict!"

"But that's what all addicts say!"

"Well, why do you suddenly want to know so much about drugs in the first place?"

"I don't know, I just never learned about them in school..." Jin said with a shrug, "I don't think I even knew what they even _were_ until that day where the K-9's came to Mishima High, though I faintly remember D.A.R.E., which didn't really explain a damned thing."

"Yeah, that program was a piece of shit," stated Bryan Fury, who walked into the kitchen with the whip still in hand, "I mean, why do they want you to live 'above' the influence if they don't want you to get 'high'."

"...That actually makes sense!" Lei agreed, who happily popped a few more Watsons.

Bryan snapped the whip at Wulong, knocking the Vikes out of his hand. "You've had enough of that shit, bitch. I gotta sell that shit later and make some lettuce."

Jin blinked. "Uh... I thought those were prescribed to you, Lei?"

Lei suddenly looked embarrassed. "Well... they used to be after I was injured while on duty, but then I when I ran out, I got more from Bryan."

Jin looked up at Fury, and growled at him. "You've been feeding Lei drugs?"

Bryan rolled his eyes in the process of lighting a cigarette. "Well I hate fucking him when he's going through withdrawals. He shakes too badly and cries a lot, and he starts hallucinating."

"Bryan...!" Lei snapped out.

"I would have figured that you did drugs, not Lei..." Jin muttered under his breath.

"Are you kidding me?" Bryan inquired, laughing, "Experienced drug dealers don't fuck with most drugs, especially because they know how bad most of the shit is for you. It's also hard to stay in the business if you're a drug-addict, because you keep using your own stash up. I mean, yeah, I get high sometimes, but generally, I don't get fucked-up too often."

"Dealing them is worse than taking them, Bryan," Lei criticized with a small huff, the liquor bottle he was holding already half-empty, "Don't you remember how you died?"

"Oh yes, you're dead... I kind of forgot about that," Jin stated, looking at Lei as if the cop were a necrophiliac. "But, how did he die?"

"Dealing drugs, of course," Bryan answered, boasting about the way he had died as if it were badass. "And because of Wulong starting the fucking shoot-out."

"But... technically drugs cost you your life and are responsible for the fact that you were turned into a psychopathic cyborg, right?" inquired Jin, who looked all the more uneasy.

Bryan paused. "Well, yes. Technically."

"You see, drugs are bad, Jin," Lei assured, "So you shouldn't do them, nor deal them."

"Alcohol's a drug, too, Lei," Jin muttered, exhaling a sigh, "But still, if drugs are so bad, why are you doing them?"

Lei hiccupped, and smiled. "Because my life is weird combo between angsty emo and wacky comedy. Apocalyptic sex! Will you sleep with me later? I've always had a thing for screwing with murderers who have screwed me over. Over and over and over again."

"Goddamnit, Wulong!" Bryan lashed out, cracking the whip he was holding in Lei's general direction, "What have I told you about whoring yourself to everyone behind my back!"

"I wasn't 'whoring' myself to Jin behind your back!" Lei argued, "I was 'whoring' myself to Jin in front of your back!"

Jin rolled his dark eyes, figuring Lei was too stoned to realize how stupid he was acting. Maybe THIS was the reason Lei WAS so stupid in general. He'd lost too many brain cells...

"Lei," Jin began with yet another sigh, "Though I know it is apparently my duty to have non-consensual intercourse with you now that I am an insane murderer who you are trying to arrest, I am not going to force you into any emo love/hate sex while you're drunker than Homer Simpson."

"Maybe if you're drunk too, you will!" Lei happily suggested, handing the bottle to Jin.

"Lei... it's EMPTY!" Jin cursed in an angry manner.

"Hmm, oh fuck, you're right!" Lei said, sounding petrified with fear. "I'll have to improvise!"

"Improvise!" Bryan yelled, snapping his fingers just before a bottle of Robitussin cough syrup magically appeared in his hand, while a bottle of Listerine mouth wash appeared on the table in front of Lei.

Jin looked afraid. "Oh my God, that joint I smoked last night must be causing me to have hallucinations! Maybe it killed my brain...!" Kazama's expression became all the more shocked-filled when Lei started chugging the spearmint Listerine... When it was all gone, a small bottle of vanilla extract appeared along with a jar of cherry juice, which Lei, surprise surprise, drank.

Jin's jaw dropped. "OH MY GOD! YOU NEED HELP!"

Lei pulled out a gun, and aimed it at Jin's face. "Shut the fuck up, ya bitch!"

"People do stupid things when they're high," Bryan said, removing the lit cigarette from his mouth so he could begin drinking the Robitussin. "Like, kill people. Or kill themselves. Or get themselves, yeah, killed and shit."

"You tryin' to get dexed on me now, bitch?" Lei peevishly snapped, aiming the gun at Bryan at this moment. "You're drinking my cough medicine ya punk!"

Then, Lei shot Bryan.

"OH MY GOD!" Jin once again exclaimed, standing up in a hasted motion before backing away from the table.

"That's another thing people do when they're addicts," Bryan said, appearing unaffected by the bullet's impact on his chest. Then, the robocriminal drank some more Robo in attempts to reach the first plateau off of the DXM. "They'll kill someone when they need a fix badly enough. Woah, shit, I'm gettin' high, look, I'm seeing things. Fuckin' halogens."

Bryan pointed to the ceiling, where a few pink jellyfish were drinking orange soda while playing Guitar Hero.

"You guys are fucking crazier than I am!" Jin growled with wrath and disgust. "And why in the hell am I seeing jellyfish on the ceiling, goddamnit?! I'm not high!"

"It's your own fault for smoking a joint, Jin," Lei scolded, "You really shouldn't have smoked that joint. Now, let's go drive a car."

"Alright," Bryan agreed, finishing off the remnants of cough syrup before popping a few triple c's along with a few tablets of Tylenol PM. Then, he threw the spent butt of his cigarette in Jin's face. "Let's go. I gotta meet Bruce at the club so I can hook him up, and Kazuya's bitch needs to buy some more coke."

"You sell Coka-Cola...?" Jin inquired, sounding bedazzled.

Bryan laughed insanely. "Dumbass. I'm talking about cocaine, not caffeine. To be fair, though, caffeine is a drug related to cocaine."

"Damn..." Jin began when the truth really hit him. "I never realized SO many drugs could be bought at a grocery store..."

Then suddenly, Jin found himself sitting in the backseat of Lei's police car.

WHAT...?

Jin looked up front, where Bryan and Lei were sitting. "...How in the hell did we get out here?!"

"Uhh... we walked, Jin..." Lei informed, "Damn, you must still be really high from smoking that joint. It must have ruined your brain. Jin, you shouldn't have smoked a joint!"

"Oh no..." Jin began, seemingly horrified, "I wish I hadn't smoked a joint!"

"Here, blow into this, kid," Bryan stated, taking advantage of Jin's current state of shock by handing the CEO a strange-looking device. Without thinking, Jin shrugged, and did as he was asked. "Hey, what is this thing?"

"It's a breathalyzer," Bryan casually informed, "The judge made Lei get one after his second DUI/DWI."

"...DUI? DWI?" Jin questioned, wondering what all these letters could stand for.

Then when Lei started the car, Jin froze with fear when realization kicked-in...

"OH MY GOD, I'M IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE AKA DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED!" Jin screamed in horror.

Lei pulled out of the driveway, and began zigzagging between cars while speeding recklessly down the street.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Jin yelled so loudly that the glass windows around him cracked into pieces.

"Goddamnit, shut the fuck up," Bryan ordered, turning on the radio with the hopes up blocking-out Jin's pleading screams for Lei to stop the car.

"Let's get dumb, drink some rum, make my tooth and gum feel real numb! We'll be thinking bout' surviving, while we're drinking and we're driving. Hope I don't wreck when my vision gets blurry, sober up looking at an all white jury. Judge don't like no drunk like me, punk might give me strike number three cause' when I'm drunk, and when I'm high, I don't give a DAMN about a DUI!"

Jin listened to Bryan and Lei as they sang along to the radio. "Isn't there anything _else_ on the radio?!"

"I dunno," Bryan shrugged, removing a beer and some purple haze from the glove compartment before him, "I'll check."

"Oh, I love this song!" Lei drunkenly slurred with glee. "Then all you bitches see the dick that you shoulda ate! Call it what you wanna call it I'ma fuckin' alcoholic, bring it if you really want it ain't gotta put no extras on it!"

"Goddamnit," Jin cursed still more, "Change it!"

Bryan pressed a button on the radio again.

"Hell yeah," Bryan said with approval, beginning to once again sing as well. "I'm doin' a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit get the FUCK outta my way. I'm DUI and I'll run you cops over, and you about to get ran the FUCK over! MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!"

"Damnit, another station!" Jin demanded.

"Ooh, another good one!" Lei squealed, jumping into another song Jin would probably disdain. "So walk out the door with me on the floor you don't care how I'm feeling, I guess we get tired of fighting and it's no longer appealing... Cause' now, I'm drunk _again_..."

"JUST TURN IT **OFF**!" Jin yelled, wondering why the hell there were so many songs on the radio about drinking alcohol.

"Fine, but you gotta stop yelling as if I were raping you in the ass," Bryan stated, causing another disgusted look to surface upon Jin's face.

"How the HELL can you be so calm, Fury?!" Jin nevertheless yelled. "You are in a moving vehicle that is being driven by someone who is driving under the influence aka driving while intoxicated!"

"No shit, Sherlock," Bryan said with notable sarcasm, in the process of preparing to do some more drugs. "But, what can I say, I am high, hence, I do not give a flying fuck that I am in a moving vehicle that is being driven by someone who is driving under the influence aka driving while intoxicated because my judgment is currently impaired," he said, taking another drink from his beer.

"Isn't it, I don't know... _illegal_ to drink while even IN a moving vehicle?" Jin sarcastically questioned as he observed Bryan drinking his beer. Then, Bryan lit a joint...

"No..." Jin said with terror in his voice, "Not... not a _joint...!_"

"Wanna hit this shit?" Bryan peer-pressured, attempting to hand Jin the lit joint of purple haze.

The joint then jumped up in Bryan's hand as if it were alive. "Smoke me, Jin!"

Jin's eyes shrank into tiny black dots. "The-the joint's talking to me...!"

Bryan blinked. "Are you fucking crazy or something? Well, yeah, you are, but I mean, the fuckin' joint's not fuckin' talkin'."

Lei rolled his eyes, taking his hands off of the steering wheel before putting them over his head for no particular reason.

"Jin took a few of your lemon drops, Bryan," the detective said, removing a laser pointer out of the car's ashtray before using it to impair the vision of any driver who dared to pass him.

"No wonder he's seein' things," Fury mockingly laughed.

"...WHAT?!" Jin said in the form of a shock-filled inquiry. "I thought those were candies...!"

"Nope," Lei remarked, "You know, you really never, um... never really watch reality TV. I mean, what was I talking about...? Oh! Politics, that's right."

"Lei... that is NOT what we were talking about!" Jin argued, "And put.. your hands.. BACK.. on the wheel!"

"Whatever," Lei said with a few guffaws.

"What he was gonna say was don't eat/drink anything in person's house if you know they are on drugs," Bryan clarified, taking a drag from the joint he held. "Thank hell you didn't eat any of the brownies or mushrooms in the fridge. Anyway, wanna hit this now?"

"Don't smoke the joint, Jin!" Lei demanded, running over another innocent civilian after having run a red light. "Speed bump!"

"How can you be so fucking concerned with Fury's joint when you're DUI?!" Jin inquired with harshness.

"I'm not into marijuana or other THC's like acid or shrooms," he stated. Then, Bryan held-out a flask with a pink swirly straw sticking out of it so the detective could drink some everclear from it and drive at the same time. "That's too trashy and gansta-like. I only like abusing _legal_ substances. Yay! I just hit another child! I'm on the hiiiiiiiiiiiiighway to Hell!"

"Lei... you are a FUCKING MORON!" Jin hissed vehemently.

"Uh oh, sounds like you're having withdrawals from that joint you smoked," Bryan insisted, "That's the main thing when you start smoking too much weed. You get irritated as HELL without enough pot."

"But... but it just _one_ little joint, _one_ time...!" Jin whined with utmost regret. Had he refused the first joint, he would not be in a vehicle that had a drunk driver, nor we he have taken the DXM. That joint was going to be the death of him!

"It only takes once, so smoke me! Smooooooke me, Jin!" the little joint protested, flying out of Bryan's hand as a pair of black wings and a pair of horns sprouted from it. Then, it started flying around in the car's backseat. "We can fly high together, Jin! You KNOW that you WANT me~! MWAHAHAHA!!!"

With his mouth wide open, Jin then noticed there were red and blue lights flashing behind him...

"Ah shit!" Bryan cussed, looking in the rearview mirror after having heard a siren. "It's the popo. Wulong, you better bounce all the metal put the pedal to the floor!"

"Got ya!" Lei happily agreed, giving a salute.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Jin yelled. Then his seatbelt broke. "...**PLEASE** PULL OVER, LEI!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!"

Lei laughed, sounding completely and utterly trashed out of his freggin' mind. Thus, he stomped on the car's pedal, and the cop began his attempt to outrun the cops.

"WOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!" Bryan screeched in the midst of his insane laughter.

After running over a camel that had been crossing the street, they made a sharp turn, and drove straight through the exterior windows of a Toys R Us department store in order to lose the law, killing many innocent children who didn't deserve to be the victims of drunk/high driving. Finally, the police car shot through the back of the store, and the car stopped.

Lei looked through the various toys and mutilated body parts, turning his windshield wipers on in order to clear the blood away. "Well, we're here, guys!"

Jin was paler than Bryan at this point. "You-you mean we-we're... alive...?"

"Well, you and I are, at least," Lei replied, laughing out loud. Then he was bitch-slapped by the man sitting next to him. Jin was going to demand that Fury stop beating on Lei, that is, until he realized how much he REALLY wanted to do the same thing at this point. In fact, he wanted to murder Lei, AND Bryan.

Bryan turned around, and looked at Jin while holding up a long, silver knife. "Would you like a shave?"

"...What...?"

"Oh god, not _again_, Bryan!" Lei cursed, shaking his deadhead, "You're NOT Sweeny Todd!"

"Uh..." Jin stammered.

"It's another thing that can happen when you're drunk and/or high," Lei informed, feeling like he was about to pass-out from alcohol poisoning. "When, uh... um... oh! When high, sometimes uh can can unknowingly assume identity the of some fictional character or some other person you know real of in life. And oogles, there's a doorknob having sex with that Ferrero Rocher chocolate! Look at those little zebras go on that ricochet paper bag like a wireless phone! A Sony one! SO-NY, SO-NY, SO-NY! DOWN with X-Box! Go Lei Lei, it's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!"

Jin looked a bit uneasy. "...What in the _hell_ did all that mean...?"

"It means that Bryan's about to slit your throat, silly buns!"

Jin slumped his head back against the backseat, closing his eyes momentarily. How did all of this happen...?

Again, it all went back to the joint...

Weren't it for the fact that Jin had smoked a joint, he never would have gone to see Lei Wulong, taken DXM, been a passenger in a vehicle that was being driven by someone who was DUI, rocketed through a Toys R Us on wheels, before awaiting to have his throat slit.

Jin reopened his eyes with a sigh, but then, his eyes abruptly widened...


	3. Reality TV with Kazuya and Lee

**Jin vs. the Joint**

**Chapter 3, Reality T.V. with Kazuya and Lee**

"Where-where the HELL am I?!"

"Oh good, you're finally awake."

Jin looked up from the NAVY BLUE couch he suddenly found himself sitting on. "F-father...?"

"That's right, son," stated none other than Kazuya Mishima, who was holding a diamond-tipped cane while wearing a purple pimp suit and a very large pimp-hat. "You really don't remember what happened?"

Jin remained shocked as hell. "No! Last thing I remember, I was in a police car with Lei and Bryan Fury, and then Fury tried to offer me a talking devil-joint while Lei was driving under the influence aka driving while intoxicated!"

"Ah, I guess they were right," Kazuya replied with apparent annoyance, "They said you were really high off of some marijuana Hwoarang had given you, and that you'd been seeing things, hearing voices, and acting very strange in general. I know you, yes, always do that, but this was because of the joint. Especially after you took some lemon drops. When you got to the club and met Chaolan and I there, you did things people do at clubs and got drunk, took MDMA, and then snorted a considerable amount of cocaine."

"...WHAT?!!"

Kazuya nodded. "It's all true. You were so tweeked out of your mind that you made-out with every guy in the VIP room, including Bruce Irvin and Bryan Fury. Even me. You probably would have made-out with Lee and Lei, only, they didn't come back from the back room until after you had passed-out."

Jin appeared horrified. "WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't remember ANY of that! You-you're LYING!"

"Well, that's what happens when you get wasted and stoned, Jin," Kazuya scolded in a fatherly manner.

A thought then came to Jin's bewildered mind. "Hey... but why did you allow me to make-out with you? You must have been trashed, too!"

Kazuya side-glanced. "Well... yes... When I was your age, Lee peer-pressured me into drinking, before I tried a line of coke. Just one... Then, before I knew it, I was experimenting with all KINDS of drugs."

"That's exactly what happened to me!" Jin declared out of despair. "Only, only I was peer-pressured into drinking and into smoking a joint!"

"You shouldn't have smoked a joint, Jin," Kazuya replied.

"I know...!" Jin agreed, his face falling forwards into either of his hands as if he were about to cry.

"Oh, good morning, Jin."

Jin looked up, to see none other than his Uncle Lee Chaolan... Lee walked in wearing a violet, glittery robe and a spiky dog collar, handing the leash to Kazuya. Lee was also wearing some ridiculous, high-heeled boots that had goldfish swimming around in the shoe's large, transparent souls.

"Lee, what's wrong with your nose?" Jin asked, though, not in a concerned tone of voice.

"What?" Lee questioned, looking dead tired. "Ah shit, my nose is bleeding again."

"Why?"

"Because of all the coke I snorted last night, of course," Lee informed, "Regular cocaine users always have nose bleeds."

"Well..." Jin began, standing up from the navy blue couch, "What are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to do some more coke, stupid," Lee replied following another yawn, "I'm crashing, and crashing is a TERRIBLE feeling."

Lee removed a popper from the pocket of his violet robe, and snorted back a few lines worth of the powdered chemical.

Jin's jaw dropped. "Are you INSANE?"

"Of course I'm insane," Lee chuckled in a playful manner, "Kaz, is it okay if I dissect Jin's body now and use it in my experiments to design some fucked-up creation?"

Jin's jaw remained dropped, as he observed his father pondering the question.

"Hmm, well, Chaolan, I do believe that my son would kill you," Kazuya answered while playing with his golden bling-bling, "Though, I do suppose we could drug him."

"Don't even _think_ about it you two!" Jin snapped-out, balling his fists.

"Oh good, the cameras in this fancy house love violence between us all!" Lee encouraged happily. Very happily. He was very, very, veeeery happy as a matter of fact. He was SO happy, that he didn't CARE about Jin. Yeah... not that he did, anyway...

Jin's glance shifted a bit. "What? What do you mean by... cameras...?"

"We're on a show, son," Kazuya replied, before randomly and fandomly beating his adopted brother on the ass with his pimp cane.

"...We are...?"

Kazuya nodded. "Indeed, a reality TV show, aka the worst thing in existence that you can watch next to non-cable programs on a Sunday morning. It's called... "Kazuya's Company"..."

Jin seemed exceptionally flabbergasted. "What... what's 'reality TV'? And what kind of things do people DO on it?"

Lee laughed in a squeakily-high coke voice. "Well, let's see... Everyone who pretends to love each other really hates each other. Also, a straight character is always suspected to be secretly gay. There's also a whole lotta substance-abuse, then, the people get into fights and have random sex with each other while under the influence before someone later thinks they're pregnant when we all KNOW they're not."

"...I do NOT want to be on this show!" Jin declared, preparing to leave. Then, the moment he stood up from the lavish couch, a bunch of steel bars plated the windows.

"Sorry, Jin," Lee said with a shrug, "You are the 'visitor' right now, because on reality TV, a family member always has to visit another family member and stay in the house for twenty-four hours, six at the minimum."

Jin sighed for the trillionth time. "Fine, I'll stay for six hours, I guess. So, what do we do now?"

"We get freaky, of course!"

Kazuya, Lee, and Jin all turned.

It was Bruce Irvin.

"My man Fury swapped some good shit wit me," Bruce stated, walking into the living-room while wearing a pimp suit similar to Kazuya's own.

"What the hell you want, you black bitch," Lee said, insulting the black man for no reason at all. Reality TV shows loved racism.

Suddenly, Jin found himself in a restricted room with a hidden camera.

"I... I seriously don't know what's going on here," Jin said, sitting in a chair that had been placed before the camera, "One moment I'm the Tekken champion, then next I'm in a vehicle with a drunk driver, and now I'm on reality TV. It just... makes no sense!" he said, arguing with the camera before him. "Except for the part about me being the Tekken champion. I mean, yes, sure I smoked a joint... but... but it wasn't MY fault...! I didn't mean to get drunk on New Year's; I was peer-pressured by Hwoarang, before that 'hothead', as Lei calls him, talked me into smoking a joint! A JOINT! Do I LOOK like the kind of person who would smoke a JOINT?! EXACTLY!"

"Jin!" Kazuya called from outside the door, "We're about to play a drinking game!"

"Oh no..." Jin murmured, once again eyeing the camera. "It's about time that I call a random friend... Or some person who I don't even really know period whose voice plays on a recording just so I can appear to be talking to a random friend."

Jin ambled out of the restricted confession room, and made his way across the living room until he had almost reached the adjacent kitchen. Upon reaching the phone, Jin dialed a number... though, he was also wondering why the phone had a freggin' CORD. The more Jin thought about it, however, the more he realized it was so all of your calls would be all the more public...

"Wei wei?"

"Hello," Jin greeted, speaking into the phone's base, "I have a problem. I'm currently on a reality TV show, and I'm supposed to get drunk again and do some more illegal drugs... Since drinking seems to lead to other drugs, what would you suggest, being the expert and all?"

None other than Lei Wulong paused. "I... hmm... well, pink flowers are pretty with green glasses that have shrimp swimming in them, I guess. Grapes are fun, too!"

"...Oh god, you're drunk, again..."

"No I'm not!" Lei argued over the phone, "I am just walling the speakers while creating!"

Jin sighed. "Just... just let me talk to Fury..."

"What the fuck ever," Lei replied, completely insulted. No, never mind, he was too drunk to be completely insulted. "I'll call him back into the bedroom. He went to the Nigeria after handcuffing me to the bed. BRYAN!"

Jin waited. Waited for a minute, at least.

"Yeah, what the hell ya want?"

"Fury?"

"Yeah," Bryan responded, "Why are you callin'? No, don't tell me – you need a fix."

"No! I have a problem..." Jin confessed into the phone, "I'm on a reality TV show that wants me to be under the influence... What should I do?"

Bryan contemplated. Very briefly. "Well, if you're on a reality television show, you kind of have to get drunk. It's like a rule, seriously. Then, you'll eventually do more drugs, before you sleep with another member of the house."

"But... but I don't want to!" Jin argued in a pleading manner.

"Well, you may not want to, but that's just how it is. Reality TV is just like video games, almost... You either sleep with the person you are most likely to have hatesex with, the person you are most likely to have lovesex with, or the person you are the least likely to sleep with period. It's all parta the great circle of stuff, you know?"

Jin drew a blank. "I... suppose...?"

"Exactly," Bryan answered, "Just remember that on a reality show, the sex at least has no strings attached. You just... fucking do it, you know? Either way, you'll end up fucking someone in the house, because it's inevitable, just as doing stupid things while drunk on RTV is inevitable. That's just how RTV works, and there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that you can do about it."

"Damn..." Jin replied, his grasp upon the ebony phone tightening. "You're just... so intelligent, and I never would have seen it."

"That's cause' your priorities are all fucked-up," Bryan declared with assurance, "But, you know, you made the right choice by asking for me. Dealers give the most productive advice about drugs."

Jin side-glanced yet again. "I suppose, and Lei is too intoxicated to provide decent advice."

"Dude, when has Wulong EVER provided you decent advice?"

"Hmm..."

_Jin, you really shouldn't get involved with Hwoarang. If you do, he'll only manipulate you into doing something stupid, like smoking a marijuana joint._

"...I guess you're right," Jin lied, "Well, thank you for the advice, but I have to get back to the others."

"Just don't smoke anymore joints, kid," Bryan suggested as he, well, lit a joint, "Better yet, every reality TV show has a character that stays more sober than the others, and you should be it. Some people just can't handle drugs."

"Agreed," Jin said with a sigh, proceeding to hang the phone up.

After Bryan got off of the phone, he decided to get off in another way. He took the whip he was holding, and began beating Lei with it.

"Hurry up, Jin!" Kazuya demanded from the living-room, "We're going to do what they do on reality TV shows and play 'spin the bottle'!"

"Shit..." Jin muttered, pondering the idea of transforming into Devil Jin so he could just murder everyone in the house, only... damnit! He was on TV! So far, none of his murders were closed-cases, but if Jin were to murder people while on a reality TV show, the cops would be all over him.

Jin walked further into the living-room, where Kazuya Mishima, Lee Chaolan, Bruce Irvin, and now Anna Williams were sitting in a circle – having made sure they left a space for Jin. There were also a buttload of boozes and drugs all around them. Uneasily, Jin sat down between Bruce and Anna.

"I'll go first," Lee said with undetectable enthusiasm, spinning the bottle of tequila that was in the middle of the circle. "Uh oh, it landed on you, Jin..."

Jin looked frightened. "Does that mean I have to... kiss you or something...?"

Everyone laughed. But Jin, that is.

"Of course not," Anna said, reacting in a sigh of relief from the young Japanese, "First, you have to chug a shot or two from the bottle, and THEN you kiss Lee."

Jin cringed. "What if I... don't want to?"

"Then, you will stay in this house for months, maybe years, until the producers are satisfied that you have humiliated yourself enough," informed Kazuya.

"...Damnit," Jin murmured, picking up the damned bottle.

Then suddenly, Kazuya was in the hidden camera room.

"I could tell my son wasn't too into 'the game' we were playing," Kazuya said, laughing deviously before the camera as if he were Satan, "But, as time went on, oh how the tables had turned..."

*Back to the circle...

"Hahaha!" Jin drunkenly laughed, before taking some more crystal meth, "I get to make-out with Anna now!"

"Oh yes you do, honey," Anna said, taking a straight shot of the third bottle of tequila they were all on – literally. Then, Anna proceeded to make-out with Jin.

*Back to the hidden camera room...

"Jin was more fucked-up than anyone," Kazuya stated, laughing still more.

*Back to the circle...

"Uh oh, now you get to make-out with Bruce, Jin!" Kazuya said, laughing his ASS off.

*Back to the hidden camera room...

Kazuya tipped-up his pimp hat, before lowering his voice. "If only he realized that Lee had the bottles rigged so that Jin would get hit every other time... HAHAHA, the day is MINE! Once Jin becomes a junkie, I'll easily be able to take over the Mishima Zaibatsu! Go Kazzy, it's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!"

*Back to the circle...

"I know," Anna said with a partial slur, "I'll give all you guys the gay test now for no particular reason, but as I am under the influence of alcohol and various illegal narcotics, I can give you the gay test now for no particular reason!"

"Bring ON the fucking test, bitch!" Jin griped, swinging the bottle around in his hand.

*Back to the hidden camera room...

This time, Jin was once again in the room...

"That bitch tellin' me she's gonna give me some gay test?" Jin questioned while eyeing the camera. Then, he chugged some more from the liquor bottle he was holding. "Yeah, that's right, bring it the fuck on. I ALWAYS win. ALWAYS. So I'll win the gay test. Go Jinny, it's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!"

Jin then stood up, and placed his ass in front of the camera. "Yeah, you ALL know that you want a piece of this. EVERYONE does, that's just how it is. I bet you wish you could be here right now, Dragunov! You too, Miguel! You little hos."

*Back to the circle...

Anna stood-up. "Now to administer the test. Here we go... First off, Kazuya, are you gay?"

"Uh, NO," Kazuya said as Lee passed him a plate with a credit card on it and a rolled-up one-hundred dollar bill.

Anna looked down at Lee. "Lee, are you gay?"

"Sorta, I guess," Lee said, laughing at himself.

"Mr. Irvin, are you gay?"

Bruce began laughing insanely. "Well DUH," he said in a sarcastic manner.

"And lastly," Anna began, now looking at Jin, "Kazama-san, are you gay?"

"Well, yeah," Jin drunkenly replied. "Was that the test...?"

"Yes it was," Anna said with a chuckle, "Now here are the results. Kazuya, you are gay, Lee, you are bi, and Bruce and Jin, you two are straight."

"I'm straight...?" Jin questioned, sounding bedazzled. "Ah well, guess that means I can screw you tonight."

"What the...?" Kazuya started off, "But that test makes no sense! I demand a retake of that gay test!"

"But it DOES make sense," argued Anna, "You see, only a homosexual in denial would say that they are straight when someone asks them if they're gay! When Jin said he was gay, he was saying it because he's really straight and was just drunk and trying to be funny, the way Bruce did. Hence, they are straight. Lee said 'sorta', which means he's sorta straight and sorta gay at the same time. But you Kazuya, you are gay."

"Damnit, I'm gay..." Kazuya said, figuring Anna's test sorta made sense.

Then, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Jin happily declared, dashing for the front door like the tweeked-out crystal queen he currently was. Maybe this was his chance to make his getaway...

...However, the door opened first; before a couple characters were spanked with paddles on their asses by the producers before the characters were shoved through the door. Then, the bars returned, and the door shut and bolted into place...

"...Damn..." Jin cursed. "But wait, who in the hell are you guys?"

In reality, like, literal reality, it was really Tila Tequila from 'A Shot at Love', Dunbar from 'The Real World', Hal Sparks from 'Survival of the Richest', Xandir from 'Drawn Together', and Alex from 'The Amazing Race.'

"Ah HELL no!" Kazuya said, immediately transforming into Devil, "It's Tila Tequila!"

"Bitch!" Anna scowled, "But I call dibs on Dunbar then because he's a fucking cheating asshole who degrades women and is constantly drunk out of his fucking mind!"

"I call dibs on sleeping with Hal Sparks!" Lee then declared, "Hal, I loved you as Michael in Queer as Folk!"

"Like, omg, totally, me too!" Xandir agreed, jumping in the air before he began spinning around.

"...What in the HELL is going on here?!" Jin yelled out of panic, the methamphetamines turning him into a paranoid wreck as he watched his father tear Tila Tequila apart while Anna began shooting Dunbar with a machine gun. "None of this makes ANY fucking sense WHATSOEVER! AHHH! This is all a CONSPIRICY!!! YOU'RE ALL REALLY OUT TO GET ME!!!," Jin exclaimed out of sheer panic, beginning to run around in incessant circles.

"C'mon guys," Bruce said, taking another shot of non-Tila tequila just for the hell of it. "Though I agree those two fuckers got what was coming to them."

"Alright, I want to sit next to Hal," Xandir aka Link's gay clone said, before he joined the circle, "But like, after we get all drunk and all, just make sure I don't try to shave anyone's eyebrows like I did when I tried to shave Ling-Ling's."

Jin sighed with despair, realizing that this probably made no sense to him because of how under the influence he was. All this, all of this... insanity, just because he had smoked one, lil' joint...

Jin fell to his knees, and covered his face with his hands. "No, I'm turning into a drunken druggy...!"

Jin removed his hands from his face, only... oh god, not again...


	4. The Consequences with Paul and Marshall

**Jin vs. the Joint**

**Chapter 4, The Consequences with Paul and Marshall**

"...Oh hell, I did it AGAIN! NOW where am I...?"

"You're in the hospital with me, Jin..."

Jin jumped up in his hospital bed, and looked next to him to see Steve Fox in a nearby bed...

"What... why are we in the hospital, Steve?!"

"Well..." Steve gradually began, "You... sort of OD'd, Jin..."

Jin's jaw-dropped. "I WHAT?!"

The boxer nodded. "Indeed. You were found wondering the streets in a drunken and methed-out state of intoxication..."

"Oh no..." Jin uneasily replied, sounding horrified.

"I hate to say it, Jin, but... we shouldn't have smoked a joint..." Steve said, his words trailing themselves. His voice was also... well, higher than usual...

Jin's brows furrowed. "Steve... what are you here for?"

"Well... yesterday when you had disappeared for over 48 hours, Hwoarang invited me over and we used your disappearance as an excuse to smoke some more joints, and a bong..." Steve muttered with sorrow, "Then, before I knew it, I was so high, and so drunk... Later, I woke-up here, and realized that I had gotten neutered while I was stoned..."

"...You were NEUTERED?!" Jin exclaimed, feeling _terribly_ sorry for Steve.

"Yes, bloke... I was so high that I didn't know what I was doing. That first joint I smoked finally cost me my dignity..." Steve whispered, looking as if he were going to cry. "So now, I'm here to have my balls reattached."

"Oh God, Steve, we shouldn't have smoked a joint!" Jin once more protested, looking at the saddened fighter in the bed nearby. Then, something veeeeery insane happened, when a pair of balls jumped up on the railing of Jin's bed.

Jin's face grew pale. "Wha-what are you?"

"We are Steve's balls, Jin," the balls said in a masculine voice.

"S-s-steve...?" Jin finally stated, pulling the covers up to where they were almost over his head, "Do you see your balls on the railing of my bed...?"

Steve formed an expression that surely showed he was baffled. "Uh... no, Jin, I don't... You must be hallucinating... Doing as many drugs as you've been doing lately causes hallucinations for the first week or so after the binge ends. If you drink or do enough drugs long enough, the hallucinations can become permanent for the rest of your life."

Jin began shaking in his bed. "Oh no, I had no idea...! So that means I could be stuck with your balls for life?"

"Um, no, Jin..." Steve responded, looking at Jin as if the CEO were utterly bonkers. Which, he was, but, yeah... in a worse way, now. "Once my balls are sown back on, I'm sure you'll stop hallucinating about them, though."

"That's right, Jin," said the pair of balls. "You know, you shouldn't have smoked a joint, Jin. You're lucky you're only seeing us right now. The hallucinations can get MUCH worse. Like, you'll start seeing blood all over the walls and aliens hatching out of pods and you'll start having visions about monstrous creatures coming to attack you. It's no joke. Drugs can do some serious damage to your brain, and if we may say so, you are fucked-up in the head enough as it is."

Jin sighed. "Steve, your balls are right. It takes a pair of balls like yours to say 'no' to drugs. Once you get your balls back, I'm sure you'll never do drugs again."

"...Right..." Steve muttered, rolling over in his hospital bed so that he could fake that he was sleeping. Though Jin was correct about what he had previously said, he was, for lack of better words, sounding like a complete nutcase.

Just then, however, the door to Jin and Steve's large, white room opened, and a couple of familiar faces appeared in the doorway...

"Hey, I recognize you two," Jin clarified, eying the visitors, "You're Paul Phoenix and Marshall Law! Unless... they're really there, right...? Steve? Steve!"

Steve grunted. "Alright, I'm awake... and yes, Jin, they're really here."

"Damn, Steve," Paul said, shaking his head as he entered the room. "You should have known better than to fool-around with drugs when you're supposed to be training with Marshall and me!"

Marshall nodded, and folded his arms after taking a few steps closer. "Especially after what happened to Paul, and me! We told you how we became so dead-broke in the first place..."

"You... you mean you guys...?" Jin pressured, wondering if he was hitting the nail on the head.

"Yep," Paul answered, redirecting his attention to Jin. "Marshall and I weren't hooked on phonics, we were hooked on boozes."

"Indeed," Marshall said with agreement, "You should have seen me before the fourth tournament. I was a worse alcoholic than Lei Wulong. All I did was lie on the couch with a bottle in my hand. It nearly ruined my career, my body, my marriage, and my relationship with my son."

"But you... learned your lesson and stopped, right?" Jin inquired.

Marshall once again nodded. "For awhile, I did, but then after I found-out my son had become jailbait after the fourth tournament as the result of him having taken a random joyride on Paul's motorcycle, along with the fact that I was broke, I relapsed, and Paul and I once again began that path down the long, dark road. A road which always leads to a dead-end of death in the end... Paul and I lost all of the money we had left on alcohol and steroids, and it wasn't until the sixth tournament was announced that we decided to clean up our acts and stop mourning our lives when should have been living them – and figuring out a way to get Forest out of jail before he drops the soap."

"But... I didn't quite understand why Forest would have randomly taken a joyride like that..." Jin admitted, even though he knew this wasn't exactly any of his business. "From what I remember back during the third tournament, Forest HATED riding on motorcycles."

Paul and Marshall exhaled a simultaneous sigh.

"He was on drugs, Jin," Paul eventually informed, "Indeed, the worst drugs of all... He was fighting conflicting thoughts on whether or not he wanted to be a chef or a fighter, and Marshall, well... wasn't exactly helping, nor was I, since the kid felt we had both basically abandoned him; that my revenge upon Kazuya and Kuma meant more to me than he did, just as Forest thought Marshall's honour meant more. Though it wasn't true and still isn't, Forest began shooting-up Heroin..."

'Dun dun dun'...

Jin gasped. "Oh my God! That's terrible!"

"Yes, it is..." Marshall replied with a saddened voice, "And as a fact, the cops do not care if you are an addict when you are arrested for something stupid you do while under the influence. Hence, they throw you into a jail cell, and watch as you go through terrible withdrawals... If anyone can tell you about suffering, it's probably him. All of these things we have told you are about the 'consequences' of getting high and drunk."

"I have seen the light..." Jin muttered with a sense of sorrow. "Not the light as in I'm going to turn all goody-goody again or anything, but yes, the light that all drugs are bad..."

Paul looked at Marshall. "Now, let's go to a bar and have a couple beers and maybe one or two shots like responsible drinkers do."

"Alright," Marshall agreed, "Steve, get well soon."

"Hey, one more thing..." Jin started off, one question remaining on his mind. "So far, every time I have run into certain competitors from the tournament on this journey, they turn out to be, well... sleeping together. So, are you?"

A silence.

Then, Paul and Marshall started making-out.

"Wow, look at them go, Jin!" stated Steve's balls in a deep voice.

"I knew it," Jin said, rolling his dark eyes. Then, he rolled over in his bed so he could get some rest. Hopefully when he woke-up, it would _all_ be over...

...However, the door once again slammed open, as two different fighters barged into the room...

Jin jumped up once again, wondering how Paul, Marshall, and Steve had suddenly... vanished...

"...Oh shit..."

"We saw what you said about us on that reality show," Dragunov scowled, aiming a gun at Jin.

"You bet his Russian ass we did," Miguel griped, holding out a long gun as well. "You see, Jin? That joint is now going to cost you your life after all."

"Indeed," Dragunov agreed, beginning to walk over to Jin's bed along with Miguel. "You shouldn't have smoked a joint. Now, you are going to pay with your life..."

Jin stared as a set up guns were pointed in his face. Jin was prepared to fight, only... he couldn't?"

"HAHAHA!" Miguel evilly laughed, "Is that a bag of Diamorphine I see being administered to you? You will not be able to win, because you are _still_ under the influence of hillbilly heroin!"

"Oh no..." Jin muttered with fright, "I wish I hadn't smoked a joint...!"

"Oh, and by the way," Sergei began, "Anna Williams wanted me to say you're the father of her unborn baby."

Then, the guns went off in his face.

"AHHHH!!!" Jin screamed, closing his eyes in anticipation of the pain that was about to come, wondering if it could be worse than the fact that he was going to be a father if he lived.

When he once more opened his eyes, however...

He found himself still in bed, only it wasn't the same bed he had previously been in. No, it was his bed, in his bedroom, in his compound.

"What the hell?" none other than Hwoarang questioned, annoyed at the fact that yet another one of Jin's nightmares had awakened him. He rubbed his eyes, and sat up, eyeing Jin through the darkness.

"I..." Jin murmured, feeling very sick and very hungover, "I just had THE worst nightmare of my entire life..."

Hwoarang exhaled a small sigh. "You say that every time you have a nightmare."

"But this one was worse, even worse than the ones about the way my mother died," Jin stated, his eyes still widened. Eventually, he turned his head in order to face his lover. "...Hwoarang, you are never, and I mean NEVER smoking marijuana again, nor drinking!" he snapped out. "In fact, I am going to get out of this bed and dispose of every ounce of alcohol in this compound right now, along with your stash, and if I EVER catch you smoking marijuana or drinking again OR doing ANY other _disgusting_ drugs, I will KICK YOUR **ASS!**"

Hwoarang blinked. "Uh... why...?"

"Why, you ask?" Jin began, sounding as angered as he could possibly be. "Does my life look like a reality TV show?! You smoke one joint, and next thing you know, you're drinking cough syrup and Listerine mouth wash, in a car with someone who is driving under the influence aka driving while intoxicated, taking ex in a club while snorting cocaine, hanging-out with a bunch of strung-out nuts while randomly making-out with them after snorting crystal meth, then in a hospital after overdosing or accidentally getting your balls cut off, or, dead-broke or in a jail cell going through heroin withdrawal!"

Hwoarang blinked. "...What exactly happened in this nightmare?"

"Basically what I just told you," Jin remarked with a small but detectable grunt. "Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to get out of bed and dispose of all of the drugs and alcohol in the compound. Then, I am going to have every grocery store bombed, every liquor store bombed, every club bombed, any place where reality TV is filmed bombed, and every hospital bombed."

Hwoarang looked a bit, well, very uneasy. "Except for the reality TV show part, eh, don't you think that's all, I dunno, a little _extreme_ just because you're angry at yourself for smoking a joint?"

"Hmm... maybe you're right," Jin said, briefly contemplating, "I should be angry at _you_..."

Then Jin turned in bed, and punched Hwoarang in the face hard enough to send the redhead flying off of the bed and down to the floor.

Jin growled and rolled his eyes. "The END."

*

**A/N:** Okay... I know that was REALLY fucked-up and REALLY offensive...

I just want to let my buds know that I do NOT feel this way about ANY of the characters that appeared in this crack... If anything, I do believe that Paul, Lei, Lee, Hwoarang, Craig, King, Armor King, and Miguel do drink (though, damn, not like THIS...), and going by Paul's T1 storyline I guess Kazuya would, too, and perhaps Jin now. *shrugs* But hell, most people do drink _once_ in awhile, at least. I would believe Bryan smokes because of the fact that he collects cigarette lighters, though as stated in the fic, experienced dealers do not fuck with drugs, much less get dexed on Robitussin or pop 'skittles'. XD; And, I would believe Lee and Hwoarang smoke cigarettes, and I wouldn't say I'd put it past Hwoarang to smoke a joint once in awhile because like the rest of this stuff, it's stereotypical. I do not, however, believe that any of the characters are shooting Heroin or smoking crack or anything like that because if ANY character was THAT bad, it would... probably be mentioned. Some people are saying "Jin's crazy now because he's on something like Heroin", but I think the only thing Jin is on is the devil-gene, not schmack, LOL. Jin as a schmackhead makes me laugh in my own head. (And, Heroin's a cheap-ass street drug that's nothing but Morphine watered down with caffeine, tap-water, and other OTC shit, so _why_ would an intelligent millionaire be on something like that? XD) I wouldn't mind reading an angsty fic about Jin with an addiction, but why is he always on schmack of all things in them...? *shrugs*

The characters portrayed the worst in crack for stuff like this, though, are definitely Hwoarang, Lee, and Lei... Hwoarang for pot, Lee for smoking, and Lei for drinking. But, yes... I have only seen Hwoarang smoke in the fiction doujinshis and in the manga, same for Lee, though I faintly remember there being an astray on his desk or something... And Lei does carry-around that wine jug and I can't forget the whole Zui Quan thing or the Police Story series or the way Jackie Chan is in real life, but still... Lei is still Detective Lei Wulong, not Detective Chan or Fei Hungwong or Jackie Chan and I just... CAN'T picture Lei drinking wine straight out of a huge barrel, trying to shoot someone with a flask of whiskey, or resisting arrest after starting a brawl in a foreign bar _just_ because someone next to him lit a cigarette. ;; With all that said, the only character that was ever admitted to have a canon problem was Marshall, but since he got over it, most alcoholics do not dive back into an addiction once they have overcome it. I also remember that Baek used to have a drug-problem, but it's been so long since I read his extended T2 storyline that I cannot remember.

If I had to redo this, I would have used "Drawn Together" instead of "Tekken" because it would have actually been canon for them to do ALL of this crazy shit and because someone in the DT house is always drunk and/or high and killing people while DUI. But, as I wrote this on New Year's Eve when I was pretty intoxicated, I wasn't thinking clearly about that. ;;

So... yes! *runs off*...


End file.
